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Counterpoint: Inject the Fanless Hot Dog Eating Championship Straight into my Cochlea

I only have one true desire. I keep it locked inside of the stomach of my ears. It’s a black box and within it are 5 men and 5 women, trapped, before them dozens and dozens of hot dogs, piled high atop plastic folding tables.

Steaming, their buns springy and fresh moistening with meaty condensation as their summer sausage cools. Their eyes are eager but scared, hands gripped around red plastic dixie cups.

They await the starting cannon, they are in a race against their bodies, against time, reality, the limits of taste, the very reasons the lord birthed life on this planet.

But some, do not share my excitement, my dream of a tsunami of mouth noises to ride into oblivion. Some do not want to hear the purest consonance known to man, the raw sounds of Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. The world deserves the slippery sonicicity of slopped down hot dogs. Don’t just give me the gullet filled to the brim with ground up hoof, penis, intestine, and grist.

GIve me gurgling! Saliva dripping, splattering against the folding table! Water sloshing! Buns saturated!

The ecstasy of an enriched mush fighting its way out of a man’s mouth against the stream of rapidly decaying cow flesh. I live only for the triumph of small subtle sounds.

Don’t stop there, each competitor should stand on broken glass crinkling against sponsored street wear.

Engulf these souls in a circle of crackling fire. Aim a shotgun mic directly at our aviary overlords. Give us pigeons cooing, pecking at stray white bread, their shit turning the air sweet, hardening against the ground and softening our hearts.

I want it all magnified, the dunk, the collapse, cheeks swelling, stomachs burbling, implant a microphone inside Joey Chestnut’s stomach, and tell me that competitive eating won’t be enhanced by this type of TOTAL SENSORY ACCESS.

Triumph! Agony! Consumerism! The liver explodes from pure intoxication of the spirit!

So I implore the masters of ESPN, do not let the celebration of this country’s independence be wasted. The Disney corporation has the greatest arsenal of sonic devices known to man; no expense should be spared in capturing our greatest man-made wonder.

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